Single Parents

[cdn1439fan]

Hi everyone,

I'm a recently single mum - my ex is not involved at all.  My kids are older 17 and 14 and they are struggling.

I'm looking for tips to establish some control and consistency in the house.  It seems like  every time I ask them for something its a fight. 

I'm done with fighting.

Help!! 

[Sara's Mom]

Honestly? Get help. You say the kids are struggling and I am sure they are if their dad has walked out on them. They need somewhere to sort through the feelings: a counsellor, therapist... I believe there are parenting coaches out there, as well who can give you some tips on how to communicate with them that it won't lead to a battle and if it does, how to not escalate it.

It may be too late to ask at school (there are often social workers affiliated with the schools), but your family doctor should be able to recommend a few (some will be covered by your provincial health plan).

Good luck!

[mom_on_the_go]

If you're all struggling with the hurt and grief of your ex walking out on you, get some help!  Get you and the kids in for some family counselling and perhaps the kids can get it for some one on one counselling so they have a safe place to talk about their feelings without thinking they might be hurting you.

In the meantime, have a family meeting around the kitchen table.  Remind them that you 3 are still a family and that life can actually be better than it was before (especially if there was a lot of arguments or fighting going on) and that you're all going to work together as a team.  Write a list of things you expect from the kids (assign them each certain chores that they are responsible for) and then post it and try not to nag about it. 

It does get better, but the first year is rough as you navigate through all the things that are now different and changed.  Just keep plugging along, telling and showing your kids that you still love them and are still there for them and aren't going anywhere (remember, one of their parents has just up and left...they may be thinking that you could do that too), don't ever talk poorly about their Dad in front of them or to them, and you'll find that your new life soon becomes the new normal.

[Sara's Mom · Accepted solution]

One other thing, at that family meeting, remind them that you are all experiencing hurt, frustration and angry feelings and that you need to give each other some breathing room and understanding -- and that includes you. At their ages it can be easy to get wrapped up in their own feelings and forget that you are also dealing with whatever emotions you may be going through and a reminder about respect and courtesy should apply to all. 

[oneofmany · Accepted solution]

It's a day at a time.  I find that when I get stressed, the kids get stressed.  And my youngest acts out and it seems like a constant battle...it's draining and upsetting. 

Keep it simple.  Write down chores.  Make your expectations clear and don't argue or debate.  Sometimes treating the teens like toddlers seems to work!

{hugs}  Keep your chin up!!

[always_grateful · Accepted solution]

It is important to put the feelings on the table. They are old enough to hear that "yep, this sucks" and that we need to work together to make the best of this situation. I've had this discussion with my younger kids even (8 and 9) and it seems to help to know that you too think it sucks and that it is hard but that you are trying you best.

Involve them in problem solving. start a discussion with "I notice that we fight a lot more and I don't like living like that, do you? let's figure out what we are fighting about about fix it". Together, you guys can talk about the specifics and put some solutions in place. I also tried not to expect too much more of my kids right away after my ex left. It is not their fault on what is happening so might be overwhelming for them to have to step up to do more. Eventually you can get them more involved in helping out around the house once the shock has settled in. They don't need more things to be resentful over right now.

And for sure, all of you should get some counseling. It is hard to understand and deal with and there are professionals who can help. Getting over the grief is critical to move on with life and get to happy.

Take care.