Sex & Relationships

[alicat]

I keep asking my DH to stop buying me gifts  for Christmas or Valentines day or my birthday(or anything for that matter).  After 15 years I've yet to get something I like or want (unless I pick it out myself - defeats the purpose of a gift and I feel like a control freak). It's uncomfortable accepting a gift that I will not or cannot use and I hate to see the disappointment in him when I return something that is completely unsuitable for me.  I have a jewelry box full of costume jewelery that I will never wear but he still insists on buying it. 

I know its the thought that counts still it's getting ever so hard to be graceful about it.....

[Engmama · Accepted solution]

I am not a great one to give advice about DHs as I am divorced but I have a suggestion.

If he is going to insist on buying gifts why don't you give him suggestions.  Not just one but several that he can pick and choose from.  I have a running list in our house with things that I would love but never buy for myself.  I don't need anything but my family still insists on buying presents for Christmas and Birthdays.  Every time, they ask what I want, I just grab the list and give them a copy.  My ex also got in the habit of reading the list when he needed to buy me a present.  He liked it and so did I.  Presents were a surprise but were things I liked as well.

Everytime I see something I might like, I add it to the list, if I get something, I take it off the list.

[alicat]

Thanks - never thought of that - will give it a shot!

[duncansmom]

I agree with Engmana about giving a list. I always have a list ready for dh. My 'problem' is that for once I would love for dh to take initiative and figure things out for himself. I take mental nots of things he says he likes/wants to do and get thise things. Just once I would like for him to do that...it would show me that he really listens to me...kwim?

[milwaukeebangles]

I drop hints for birthday gifts.  I generally get tulips for valentines day after years of him buying me roses, which I seem to be allergic to. 

I would suggest just dropping hints.  I think he's just trying his best to do something nice for you but guys are often just misguided, lol.  It's like they don't know us sometimes, lol.

Just start planting the seeds for the next time he needs to buy you a gift and repeat it until the time comes, hopefully it will take root!

Goodluck!

[max3]

do you appreciate gifts that you have to do much work for?  Why not just go and buy the item yourself? Does it matter who drives to the store and buys it?

[milwaukeebangles]

Well I think it does.  I think men want to be romantic and thoughtful but just need some help and direction sometimes.  I don't think there is anything wrong with letting a man know what you like, or don't like.  I think it would be silly for me to go out and buy my own tulips.  LOL

[Busymom1]

I buy myself flowers. Well, they're for the house, but I enjoy them the most. I plant tulips outside in the Fall but love to have fresh flowers or flowering plants inside in the winter. I often buy fresh flowers which are a small part of my budget. I don't consider it 'silly' at all!

[max3]

fair enough....if you consider him stopping at a store to buy you flowers to be a romantic gesture, then it would be something nice for him to do. I pick up flowers when I would enjoy them most, which could be any day of the year.  I don't like them more if my dh bought them for me.

Although once this year I appreciated some flowers he sent me. I had been working so hard on our house, my studies, our kids homeschooling studies and was being exceptionally productive.  Very cheery and upbeat about the pace too.  He sent me flowers with a card saying "thanks for working so hard. You have my constant respect and gratitude."  Now, it was nice...but honestly, he could have just said it me and I would be have been equally happy.

I don't think I'll ever get my head around the idea that men should take a list and then go wandering through a mall trying to find the items, and that action makes having the item more appealing than picking it up ourselves.  There isn't much thought behind something like that. It's really just picking something up that another person wants.  And likely for me, if I did that, I would have walked past that item many times and could have bought it myself.  My dh never shops....so it seems like a waste of valued personal time.

I don't equate romance with gift buying but I think I'm in definitely in the minority on that one. 

[Engmama]

You must like to shop.  I hate shopping and will avoid it whenever possible.

If someone asked me to pick up my own gift, I would go without.  Not because I am opposed to the idea but because I hate shopping and have no desire to go to a mall/store. 

Each family is different.  For me, having that list is awesome because I can give it to whoever wants it and I don't have to go near a store.

I agree with you and don't equate gift giving with romance but many people do and it was just a suggestion that might work for them (as it did for me).  I hated seeing money wasted on things I did not like or want or use.