Separation & Divorce

[NICSMOM1999]

I swear I am so sick and tired of sending my son to his dads, and you all wonder why I am the way I am sometimes when it comes to visitation with his dad.  Once again my son just got home a few hours ago....he is so moody and one grumpy guy...banging things and getting mad about the silliest things...I took him by the hand and said stop...break time..cmon come with me lets sit down and talk....! I said to him you don't seem yourself to day you look like something is bothering you .....he refused to talk for a bit then I told him he's not moving until we talk, i gave birth to him and I know when something is wrong....! Well here goes over an hour of crying and talking once again.....My son was dropped off at his dads he said his dad was in a bad mood...when my son asked his grandmother what was wrong with dad and why was he so cranky his grandmother went off about how his dad an i argued and that she was sitting there through the whole thing and that his dad said nothing wrong to me and was being very civil...(which is a load of crap) but regardless I never tell my son anything that goes on with his father and I and yet his grandmother found the need to tell a 12 year old what went on and how she thinks i am this and that.....Afterwards him and his dad went to the movies his dad was talking to our son about us ..about how he hates this person from my family and that person.....until my son finally turned around and said dad I feel uncomfortable and don't want to hear you talk about my other family, his dad apologized and said as long as they love you who cares what i think. He was saying all kinds of things about me until my son said dad I don't want to talk about mom.

Saturday his dad kept going on about how his mom is not happy with her husband and that when he gets older his mom is going to put him in an old age home..and that she is miserable with him etc. etc... My son was so hurt...he actually loves his grandmothers husband and how he is so nice to him etc etc.  

My son was just full of emotions when he got him which i totally understand.....He goes there to visit his dad and spend time with him not to hear all this negative bull crap!  His mom and him can bash me when my son is not around...they are so stupid to think talking bad about his mom is not going to hurt him.  He also said to me mom I know you and dad are never going to get along I just want you to please mom try ...I just hate all this.....I never want you and dad to get back together but just to be able to get along...I know it will never happen but hopefully later on mom.   

I feel like calling his grandmother and dad and tell them that i don't appreciate the bad mouthing and to remember that he is there for visitation with his dad and not bashing mommy time.....! Try and focus on making his visit a pleasant one....  If I do call they will think that my son comes home to report to me which i swear to you all that is not the case at all....The look of hurt was written all over his face.....I even thought at one point while he was crying that he was going to have a panic attack...I had to tell him to breath in and out...he said it felt like there was a brick on his chest....They r not helping the situation.  

I am hoping his dad does not ask to see him for a while...I just wish the indiot would fall off the face of the earth and never be seen again...Should I just leave it alone and deal with my son or call them up!

[Bloo2]

With the way his dad and his dad's family behaves and all that he is going through emotionally I hope you get him some counseling.  You don't want to one day look back and say to yourself that this is where you dropped the ball, that you should have got him counseling and didn't and wonder if things would be different.  He needs to talk to someone.  Someone that isn't family.  

[Sara's Mom]

One more try:

Find someone your son can speak to. It does not matter if you think you and he have the best relationship in the world, he needs a neutral third, preferably professional party to talk to about this stuff.  A social worker, counsellor or therapist will help him sort through the feelings and find his voice. The therapist will give him the tools he needs to sort through what he is hearing, figure out his own feelings and express those feelings.

As long as you refuse to consider this option, you and more importantly your son will just go around and around this. Nothing will change. You cannot control your Ex. You can, however, control this: get him some help.

[Mar]

Totally agree, Sara's Mom!!!!

[NICSMOM1999]

Ok...and I am looking into the Counselling, as far as the ex and his mother i don't think they r helping much by dragging him into crap and bad mouthing me and my family....THEY r not helping things by doing that are they?

[Mar]

No, they are NOT! You are 100% right.
However, what can you DO about that?
Nothing!
I agree with you, they are being immature, ridiculous, and in my opinion, invoving kids in this type of thing is abusive, but not much can be done about it.

[NICSMOM1999]

Thanks for your response/s.....I know there is nothing i can do or am going to do...I am not going to play at their game....they want me to call back and tell them off to seem like one who goes off......

I am not doing this back and forth he said she said crap! Let them keep on going....they r digging their own graves...with regards to my son and his feelings....once again school called me today my son is sick to his stomach and to come pick him up....he's downstairs now been sleeping over an hour and a bit......this happens all the time he comes back from visitation....it's like he's drained and it takes a couple of days to get back on his feet....!!

[Gen2]

He's not a child anymore, he's a teenager. Treat him like one. Show him that you respect him by not forcing him to talk to you.

He obviously needs to talk to someone and it doesn't have to be you. He feels like he's stuck in the middle and needs a neutral party to talk to.

It's been recomended to you for a long time, might be time to listen to others.

[Gen2]

but you can't change them.

So focus on what you can actually change or at least help change.

They're idiots, you can't change that. Your son needs to talk to someone, you CAN change/help that.

And I believe YOU need to talk to someone professional, even if it's just to vent. You vent here and often doesn't like the replies that don't agree with you so it might be time for you to also speak to a neutral party and they would help you move on.

[BrendaMom]

Here is a great time for you to continue to move forward with this negative relationship.  

You need to arrange for counselling for your son (and it won't hurt you if you get some counselling help as well).  I am not sure where you live but there are several programs available for income challenged folks (like most of us are these days ... LOL).  Your son's principal or school staff should be able to give you names and phone numbers of community services that will be able to provide counselling.  

I admire that you sit down and talk to your son and let him vent, but what would work even better for him would be to have someone outside of the home (and therefore outside of the whacky/crazy relationship that exists with his dad and dad's family).

Brenda