General

[Emerald Mom]

I feel like I've been manipulated into a situation and now I have to deal with it and it is very hard to be openhanded, and for me, that is very hard.

about a month and a half ago, the daughter of a friend asked me if she could stay with me for a little while. She was in a bad relationship and felt she couldn't leave him because she had no place to go. She is 18, graduated from school in June and as soon as she finished school, her mother packed up his stuff and moved to Newfoundland, leaving the daughter. The daughter moved in with her dad, but from the start we knew it wouldn't work. The dad had not been in her life much since she was 8, and he didn't see a young woman with issues, just his "little girl". The mom made me promise that if things didn't work out, I take her in.

The girl moved in with dad but only stayed a few months. She started seeing the boy and then one a "weekend visit" decided she was not coming back, - very sneakily she'd moved in with this boy. They lived together until a few weeks ago. Just before she left him, she was telling me about their relationship and I was very honest with her. I told her, she was too young to be in such a relationship and she shouldn't feel she needed to stay because she had no place to go. Two weeks later, she was moving in with me.

Meanwhile, I had my concerns. She didn't have a job - so I told her she had to get one. An aunt stepped in and offered money for her to stay with me, for rent and food - I never saw a dime. As far as I was concerned, I was helping her out just as I would have if it was my own daughter. Lord knows, 18 years old, living in the boonies with an idiot is not where I'd want my kid to be - my heart and head was in the right place.

Then the bomb dropped - 3 days before xmas, she disclosed she was pregnant. She'd left him without telling him, knowing he would never let her go if he knew. She broke up with him officially on Christmas day and he went to Ontario with his family, never knowing she was pregnant. The very next day, she was looking for a new bf on facebook - seriously.

her and I have talked a lot - my own daughter was in the same situation. I told her I would help, support, whatever she would decide. I also decided that I would tell her mother the next time we spoke as I felt this was something she shouldn't be going through without her mom. I told her she needed to think about herself and her baby, not worry about getting laid. Last week, she told me was going to the dr, and she did on Thursday. She never came home from the apt. I received a text a few days later telling me she was staying with some guy in wpg, until her next dr apt today. Well, I assumed the apt was an official prenatal. She texted two hours ago, saying she had a procedure. I said excuse me? " I had an abortion".

Grant it, I had hoped nature would take its course - she asked me if I would take the baby - she had the total attitude that it was like a puppy - give birth and give it away. I don't think she grasped the entire situation.

I don't know what to think or say. I am in shock. I see this is gonna be a problem. She was a cutter when she was in her early teens, suffers from depression. I am assuming I will be requested to act like nothing happened and I am assuming based on past behavior that the partying will begin again, and so will the sleeping around. She seems to have no value in herself and is just looking for a man to take care of her. I wish I could deprogram her - it frustrates me to hell that her mother raised her this way.

I feel like I've been manipulated into this situation and now its become something I never expected. I don't know how to react to her - I know I will be loving and supportive and I pray that I will be able to put away my negative feelings about abortion but at the same time, I just want to shake her for being so **bleep** immature about the situation and yet, making such a mature, adult decision...

ugh

[Don 50]

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Emerald Mom wrote:

Then the bomb dropped - 3 days before xmas, she disclosed she was pregnant. She'd left him without telling him, knowing he would never let her go if he knew. She broke up with him officially on Christmas day and he went to Ontario with his family, never knowing she was pregnant. The very next day, she was looking for a new bf on facebook - seriously.

... I also decided that I would tell her mother the next time we spoke as I felt this was something she shouldn't be going through without her mom.

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Ya gotta be you.  I urge you not to do what's 'expected' of you by others, but what you want to do and feel is right.   And the more consistent you are in this with her, the more of a cornerstone in her life you'll become imo.

She's 16+ (18's an adult in several provinces), and I think should be treated as a young, independant adult so far as practical.   Telling on her to her mother about a serious medical issue of this character without her prior consent could be seen by her as overstepping imo (and she might interpret this as a betrayal of a confidence).  

She's either able to trust you with confidences, or not.  If she's going to stay with you, I urge you to focus on building her trust unless you don't want to do that, in which case I think she deserves to know how she stands in advance.

Don

[-Festive-Chick-]

seroiusly?

do you enjoy drama in your life? are you not happy  unless there is some?

You owe her NOTHING. Nothing. Why are you worrying about her?It's obvious she's going to what she wants, when she wants and doesn't want anything but to use you.

You're a kind and caring person and she's going to take advantage of that.

If she's not making medication for her depression, and she's doing things, that's not your fault either. You can't change what she is or who she is.

I'm being mean and saying cut your ties with her now. She's not your responsibility and you're going to only suffer badly because of her. Yah, I know I'm not being helpful or caring, but honest about the crap she's going to pull.

You've got enough going on in your life, that you need to focus on. Your kids, your grandkids, you. BE tough, you need to protect yourself and your family. Good luck!

[Ann H]

I agree with Chick - this is not your problem.

You can't help someone who doesn't think they have a problem and it's pointless to even try. She does have family members to turn to if she chooses.

Move on with your own life and focus on what should matter most to you.

Steer clear of the drama.

[Emerald Mom]

thank you Ann, Chick and Don for your comments. your right - i dont owe her anything. she needed a place to stay and i provided it to her. Its not my fault that she did not tell me the entire story. and no, she isnt going to change. This is a young woman that thinks she will get ahead in life with her body and doesnt have to do anything else. in all honesty, i dont care if she trusts me or not. i didnt sign on to be her confident or her mother. prior to this disappearing act to have the abortion she was talking about moving back to Thompson where she still has family and friends. I am encouraging her to do so. 

 my worse shame is wondering if I would be able to live with someone that knowingly destroyed a life and her attitude was like it was no big deal and I dont know if I want to find out. I feel that if I let her stay here, i am condoning her decision.

[SnoopGirl01]

Been in a very similar situation with someone I adore and love dearly.  It is her life and she can choose to live it any way she wants.   It is heartbreaking to see someone you love make decisions you don't agree with but at 18 she is legally able to make her own choices.  *I* would contact her mother and let her know that her dd needs her.  I wouldn't get into details as that wouldn't be my place to "tell on her".  As a mother I would want to know if my child was in trouble, even at age 18.  The mother should never have asked you to make such a promise.  Even though this girl is 18 she still needs a parent and that is her mother.

Crystal

[SnoopGirl01]

@ chick Been there, done that and you are 100%. This girl will NOT change and will only take from EM. Best thing I ever did was back off and accept that this person was NOT my responsibility and love her for who she is and not expect to have much influence, if any, in certain areas of her life. I am there for her and offer my advice/opinion when asked for it. Often it has been completely ignored but other times what I said has sank in.

[SnoopGirl01]

@ EM It was her choice to make and she made it. I am pro choice and it sounds like in this particular situation the decision that was made is what was best for her.

[The Queen Bee]

I definitely agree with everyone else .... just one thing to add: what is your relationship with her mother? You might want to consider letting her mother know everything that has happened. Yes she's 18 and legally an adult, but it sounds to me like she still needs adult guidance.