General

[Suzy-Q]

Cause I really need to hit my head against it!!!  Mil will be the undoing of me!  Bil definitely doesn't help the situation.  He thinks that mil can do things by herself and has no problems with her memory and never repeats herself.  Yup, uh huh.  He's been beyond nasty to dh (thankfully he doesn't speak to me) and is passive aggressive in his emails to dh.  Dh has stopped responding to them.  Mil was on antibiotics for a UTI and needed to have another culture done last week.  The requisition was left at the main reception desk at the medical centre.  Due to bil, dh suggested that we leave it with mil to do on her own and see how she did.  I was going to take her last Thursday but she said she didn't feel up to it but was fine when I spoke to her later in the day.  She said she'd "just slip over on Friday when she got her hair done and do it then."  Left it with her and talked to her on Friday,  She did go over but "it was too busy so she didn't wait".  I said she didn't need to wait at the lab but just give them the requisition and do the urine test.  Mil stated that she had no req and had no recollection of my instructions to pick it up. I told her again that it was important that she go, she has a follow up appointment this Friday, the results take 48 hours and the lab would be closed until Tuesday,  She did go back out in the afternoon but went to where she checks in with the dr and I don't think she knew why she was there and they just told her that she needed an appointment and in fact had one for the following friday,  She came home and told me this and I again told her where to pick up the requisition.  She seemed upset that she couldn't do it and i again offered to take her Tuesday.  She said she was fine to go on Tuesday by herself.  I talked to her last night and she went and picked up the requisition, yeah!  I asked if she went to the lab and she said no, it was too cold out!!!  Omg, the lab's in the basement of the medical centre she went to to pick up the requisition.  She said she'd go today but didn't.  I feel badly that we sort of left her to fail on her own and I've spent way more time talking to her about this test than if I'd just picked her up and taken her!!!!  Hopefully bil will get the message that all is not well.  I will be taking her to her appointment on Friday and will be letting the nurse practitioner know that things aren't better!!!  Everyone comments on mil's decline except for bil who is in denial.  At least he's back in mexico for the next 5 months and hopefully we don't hear from him too often!!!  

[SnoopGirl01]

It really is time for your dh to step up and take control of the situation WITH his brother.  If not mistaken your MIL is 87 or 88, correct?   I find it cruel that you and your dh would "set up" an 87 year old woman for failure. She may be stubborn but she is at an age where she needs assistance whether she wants/likes it or not.  You don't ask, you DO!

She your dh's and BIL's mother and they can make all the excuses in the world why he can't/won't help her but in the end the one who suffers is his mother.  She is at a point in life where she needs assistance and her sons are the ones that need to see that she gets it.  Bithching about his brother is not going to help his mom.  Time for them to be proactive and do what is best for his mother.  My mom has "all her ducks in row" for when the time comes that she needs assitance.    If your BIL can't get off his selfish a$$ to help his mother then your dh needs to find a way to either take control or get his brother to work with him.

If my brother was "running away" to another country for 5 months a year and OUR mother needed assistance at age 87, I sure as heck wouldn't be "sitting around" waiting for something to happen (to our mom) before I took action in getting what I needed to do what is best for our mother.  I know you didn't say your dh is "sitting around" waiting for something to happen to his mom before he "goes after his brother" for the help that is needed to take care of their mother,  but his actions say that he is (based on what you have posted).  If your BIL can spend 5 months a year in Mexico, he can spend 5 days (just an example) helping his brother get his mom into an assisted living place.  Your dh needs to speak up and remind is brother FIRMLY that "this" isn't about them but their mother and what is best for her.

Crystal  

[SnoopGirl01]

5 Kudos - WOW!  I am just starting to go through helping an aging parent. I was in denial for a LONG time that my mom was getting older.  She is very independant and will be 70 next month.  She had a hip replacement a few years ago which was successful, however, she still struggles with it and some things are impossible to do like vacuuming and bending all the way down.  My brother and I just do what needs to be done which hasn't been a lot except for helping/caring for her after the hip surgery.   Slowly she is needing more assitance and when she gets stubborn we just tell her that we are on our way to help and end the conversation.

I am wondering if SuzyQ's dh and BIL are in denial about their mother's aging and therefore not getting off their a$$es to get her the assitance she clearly needs.  

This post really got to me today because I talked with my mom today and it is clear she is struggling with some things but is too proud/stubborn to ask.  So I made a list while talking to her and will take care of those things on Friday for her.

Crystal

[max3]

You mean the brick wall called Life's Challenges?!!  Seriously.... I get it's challenging and frustrating....been there done that (six years of it with my mother)...but how on earth can your dh allow you to take one second of this on while have your own serious health concerns? 

You know, stuff comes up...some it's more challenging, some more serious.  But things do keep coming at us through the years. Not much way to avoid but many ways to choose how to deal with it.

[just us girls]

lol  "Sh!t happens".  Awesome reply, super helpful.  ;-)  Yep, it sure does!

[max3]

and it seldom happens at convenient times.....someone should find a way to fix that!lol!

[just us girls]

Agree.  It's starting here too, and it's hard when you have two siblings who only think about themselves. 

I figure Suzy Q just either has to accept that it's all on her shoulders and just do it, or tell those two boneheads that she is done, and it's now ALL up to them, whether they want to open their eyes to it or not.  Nothing will change unless she forces it to change.  I personally think she should be just as pissed with her husband as with her BIL; I get that he works and stuff, but she's HIS mother.

[oneofmany]

I have to agree with the others.  I empathize with you, Suzy, but I can't sympathize.  I am going thru this with two aging parents and have no siblings to help (or not help).  I am also a single mom to 2 with health issues of my own.  It is frustrating, stressful and scary but you know what?  I do what I have to so that everyone can still be together and be as healthy and happy as possible.  Out of everything, my overwhelming emotion is gratitude.  I still have my Mom and stepdad (75 and 81, respectively).  So I will do what I can, when I can and seek outside help when I can't. 

Your dh needs a kick in the butt.  Time for him to go to the dr's appointments, talk with the dr and get the dr on-board to help arrange extra care for your mil until she gets into a long-term facility.  You cannot carry this all on your own, when you have others who can help.  The dr can help make the decision that it isn't safe for her to live on her own.  What you described...well....sounds to me more like she is forgetful but mainly stubborn.  No one can change a stubborn person.  Does she cook for herself?  Does she bathe herself?  If she goes for a walk, does she get herself back to the right address?  If it is mainly bills and appointments she is missing, remember that time is relative and a totally different experience when you are home and the days blend into one another.....

I wish you all the best.

[-Festive-Chick-]

as usual, great advice given once again on the same topic  that is likely going to fall on deaf ears.

Perhaps it's time to hire a PSW or support worker for her. It's obvious she needs the help, and it's to the point where something nasty is going to happen to her because of the lack of support, and I don't wish that on anyone. the dh is going to have to step it up with HIS mom.

[Suzy-Q]

Dh is not in denial and has gone to the dr's appointment where we were receiving the results of the testing.  The dr is on board and has made suggestions to Mil who refuses to entertain them.  It does not make sense for dh to take lots of time off work to take her to an appointment for a B12 shot.  He hasn't been at this company for long and it's VERY important that we have an income and benefits in order to afford my medications.  He has been helping out with his mom and certainly does things for her on my bad days.  I know it's hard for both of us to see mil like this.  We've cooked and frozen meals for her, taken her to needed appointments, look after the administration of all of her meds, offer to get her groceries, helped her decorate for Christmas, etc.  he's tried to keep his brother up to date on what's going on but bil insists that we are interfering, have some ulterior motive and feels that Mil is able to look after herself.  Mil has someone come in to clean her condo, change the sheets and do the laundry so those types of things are done.  Mil doesn't seem to cook for herself but will heat up prepared dinners so we've solved that problem for now.  The taking of meds is not consistent but not sure what else we can do there.  I think the family dr wants the specialist to make the final recommendations but that referral isn't until May but dh called a while ago to be put on the cancellation list.  We did not do anything to harm her by not driving her to the lab and were hoping that it would point out to bil that she is struggling and not as capable as he thinks.  We haven't asked for any help from bil and we had a family meeting about 3 or 4 years ago  and bil was very clear that he would NOT help out with his mom.  The dr felt that the only care that mil would qualify for was batheing assistance which she does not need.  We've helped mil lots over the years with financial decisions, preparation of tax returns, investment decisions, moving her from her house to condo, etc.  We are also aware of services out there as we put in place 24 hour care for my mom when she was ill.  The problem here is that dh realizes that there is a problem and bil doesn't.  They both have joint power of attorney so one can't make a decision without the other.  we are doing what we can without causing detriment to my health and dh can only do so much as he also picks up a lot of the slack at home as well.  We are going to go and look at retirement homes so we have some idea of what's available so we can make an informed decision when the time comes.  We can't force mil to go into a home without her permisiion.  she also is nowhere near ready for a nursing home.  One thing that was suggested to us was that the family could sit down with a social worker to try to work out the differences but the wait time for that was too long and couldn't be arranged before bil went back to Mexico.