Thursday, September 17th, 2009
Update

I apologize for disappearing for the past month and a half but we have had so much going on, and a lot of big decisions to make.  Where should I start….?

After we received the disappointing news in August that once again our frozen egg transfer did not work I went through quite a few stages of emotion.  As I mentioned, James was away travelling for work when I received confirmation, so I was left alone to deal with the great let down by myself.  I shed quite a few tears the first day, but this time around I found myself quickly consumed with quite a bit of anger and frustration.  I was so annoyed that we had been through so much emotionally and financially and still could not become pregnant, yet there are so many unplanned and unwanted pregnancies occurring every day.  How fair is that? 

I began to really wake up to the idea that maybe our life was not going to unfold like we had thought.  Maybe we should begin to consider that our family would consist just of James and I.  I also began to have serious doubts about wanting to try any further fertility treatments as I did not know if I could cope with any more failed treatments. 

When James completed his three weeks of work trips, we sat down and really began to discuss where we should go from here.  James was still pretty optimistic, and pointed out that we still have age on our side.  That even if we keep trying once a year, we still have quite a few years available.  I was pretty adamant that I definitely wanted to take a break from treatments for a while as my body (i.e. hormones) was so out of whack that I really did not feel like myself and I just wanted to return back to normal. 

We also decided that it was time to start living life again around what we wanted to do and when we wanted to do it.  For six months our schedules revolved around what days we needed to be at the clinic and which appointments we had to make.  We were unable to make any concrete plans ahead of time as our future was so unclear. 

James also made the suggestion that maybe it was time for me to make a big change in my life that I had been putting off for so long.  When we moved out of the city the year before, the plan had been to do the 60-90 minute commute into work with the hope that I would become pregnant shortly after and would then go on maternity leave.  Well thirteen months later and thousands of dollars spent on the 407 highway, it was becoming clear that this plan was no longer ideal.  I began to loose the enjoyment I once had in my job and this was all flowing into my personal life and I’m sure took some sort of toll on my wellbeing during the treatments.  Together James and I made the decision that it was time to quit my job and take some time for myself.

Next week I will be giving in my resignation and will finish work before the thanksgiving weekend.  I will take the last few months of the year to get back on track and just get back to enjoying life.  It is a bit scary the thought of not working and placing the entire burden on James, but as he says, this is something we have to do to get us through this.  Of course we are going to have to cut back on a few of our luxuries such as our cleaning ladies and dog walkers but these are so small in comparison to what these changes might bring in the long run.

I hope to take the coming time off to get back involved with horse back riding again.  I have been riding and competing since I was thirteen years old but had taken a few years off after my horse was put down and I am now thinking that this would be a perfect time to get back involved.  Being around horses has been an element in my life that I can escape to for happiness and enjoyment and seems to help put everything else back into perspective, which I think, is exactly what I need!

We have also planned a group trip down south with both of our families in December and James and I will stay on to celebrate Christmas with the majority of my extended family.  It will be a nice needed vacation and a great opportunity to spend some quality time with both of our families.  We are quite fortunate that they get along so well together.

Come January we will then begin to look at planning for our next round of IVF.  Besides our lack of success so far, I have been very happy with our clinic and would like to at least attempt another round there.

So as you can see my life is taking a turn in a brand new direction, and although it is not what I had expected, I am actually beginning to look forward to what might be ahead.  I’ve decided to take a bit of a break from the blog as there won’t be any fertility issues to discuss, but I’ll be back in the New Year with a new game plan and ready to begin the journey down our next path.  I just hope next time, success will be at the end of it.

Posted by EMiller
on Thursday, September 17th, 2009 at 5:41:52 PM
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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
Why?

I was hoping that I would have some good news to write about but, unfortunately, this is not the case. Once again, it appears that this time around we will not have the positive outcome that we were hoping for.

The pregnancy test was scheduled for Monday at the clinic and since it was a holiday we had to wait until Tuesday to find out the results. James and I had already planned to take a home pregnancy test on Monday. If it was negative we could try to prepare ourselves for hearing the devastating news from the nurse over the phone.

Late Sunday evening on the way home from my in-laws, we picked up a pregnancy test from the drug store. Looking back it would have been wise to purchase shares in a pregnancy test manufacturer as I can’t even count how many tests we have purchased over our two-year fertility journey! 

As planned on Monday morning before leaving for the clinic, I took the test and hoped for the best but, once again, the two lines did not appear. We headed for the clinic and had the routine blood work done and were instructed to call back in the morning. James tried to keep me optimistic. He reminded that a home pregnancy test can show a false negative result but in my heart I knew this was not the case. We took it easy on Monday as I was really not in the mood to do much or talk to anyone. 

I called the clinic for my results this morning and received confirmation that the test was negative. I’ve had a few small cries but in general I am more frustrated and angry. It just doesn’t seem fair to have to go through so much each time around and still have no success. James and I know we have some pretty big decisions to make about our future but for now they will have to wait. As luck has it, James had to leave for a business trip this morning so he had to hear the news from me over the phone. He will be travelling on and off for the next three weeks so this time I’ll be dealing with a lot of this alone.

Posted by EMiller
on Tuesday, August 4th, 2009 at 11:32:10 AM
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Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
A healthy detached attitude

So far it has been a pretty uneventful week. I see this as good news since there is nothing disappointing to report. But to everyone around me, they would love a more certain answer about whether or not this cycle has worked out. I am being repeatedly asked whether or not I feel pregnant. This is a tough question to answer since, one, I have never been pregnant before so I do not know what to expect and, two, this round of treatment was completely different from the first, so again I have nothing to compare it to. The first round of treatment involved me taking so many different hormones and stimulants that I felt bloated, crampy and tired. This time around, though, I did not have to take all the injections and the course of hormones was pretty straight-forward. As a result of this, my body feels completely different. I am happy to report that the nausea has subsided since yesterday and I’m only dealing with fatigue. I’ve been told this is great practice for when we actually do become pregnant.

I’ve also noticed a big difference in my attitude this time. I have taken the necessary precautions that the clinic advised us to do, but I feel as though I am emotionally less involved this time around. James tells me I should stay positive and believe that this time it will work. But I think I have been naturally detaching myself in order to avoid the large emotional letdown that I experienced with our first IVF cycle.

The countdown is now officially on — only five more days until the beta test. In my previous IVF cycle, my period arrived seven days before the first beta (which you still have to take even if you are not pregnant) so I’m using this to stay positive that we’ve made it through our first hurdle.

Posted by EMiller
on Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 at 2:55:19 PM
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Monday, July 27th, 2009
Nausea, my loyal companion

It has been almost a week since the transfer and so far things seem to be going alright. I’m not sure if I am less tired now or just getting used to dragging myself around like a zombie all day. My only real complaint is the nausea. Early last week I started having bouts of nausea around bedtime and in the afternoon as well. This weekend I woke up multiple times throughout the night, afraid that I would be running to the washroom. Now, I know what you’re thinking because whenever I tell anyone this they get a big smile and say, “You know what that means…you’re probably pregnant” but, unfortunately, it would be too soon for pregnancy symptoms to be occurring. Right now I just chalk up these signs to the lovely hormones I am taking throughout the day.

I also want to take a minute to acknowledge everyone who has left me such nice comments. It is so great to have everyone’s support and to hear inspirational stories from those of you who have achieved success while in a similar situation to us. For those who are still facing these challenges or just getting started, please feel free to post a comment with any questions you have as I would love to help out in any way that I can. Reading forums and discussion boards about other people’s experiences has been a great resource for me, and I would also like to provide information that I have found so helpful along our journey.

Posted by EMiller
on Monday, July 27th, 2009 at 2:47:23 PM
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Friday, July 24th, 2009
James’ “two little guys”

I definitely have a fair bit to update you on since I wrote my last post. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been busy trying to catch up on everything that I had put on hold in my life. Those difficult weeks in June and July have forced me to cram in as much as possible before the next frozen embryo transfer.

I began taking Estrace (estrogen) at the beginning of July and continued taking it until my check-up at the fertility clinic last week. I had blood drawn and an ultrasound was performed to check the lining of my uterus. The doctors like it to be at least 7 mm in thickness to ensure there is a good wall for the embryo to latch onto. I was happy to learn that mine was 8.8 mm. Finally, some good news!

I tried not to get too excited — I still had to wait to see if our two frozen embryos survived the thawing process. I received a call the day before my procedure informing me of the time of the appointment and the happy news that at least one embryo had survived! The clinic would know about the results of the second embryo by the following day. James and I were relieved to hear the news, and James kept reminding me, “It only takes one!”

We arrived the next morning at the clinic and the embryologist told us that she had some great news. The first embryo was still in good condition but it had a bit of fragmentation. A few of the cells had died off, which is quite common, but there was a 50 percent chance they would grow back. The second embryo, though, was in perfect shape. She said that it looked like a fresh embryo that had never been frozen. This was very reassuring to hear.

The transfer went well and was actually less uncomfortable then the first transfer. I was sent home with the same instructions as before: Take it easy for the next couple of days and be extra careful not to do any heavy lifting, reaching, etc. I was also told to continue taking Estrace and administering progesterone suppositories again twice a day.

Overall, I have been feeling extremely tired and pretty nauseous every afternoon. I can chalk this up to the hormones I’m taking and keep reminding myself that this is for a good cause. My beta test is scheduled for August 3rd and I will receive the results on the 4th. I’m hoping by that time I will have better news to share with everyone!

Posted by EMiller
on Friday, July 24th, 2009 at 4:59:36 PM
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